Weight of the Chivalry - Crisis report from our special correspondent

by Sir Arni Grimsson

It has come to our notice that the average size of the Chivalry of Albion has been declining steadily in recent times.
In the early years of the Realm the typical Knight could be relied on to have either substantial girth or substantial facial hair, or more often both, with which to intimidate the enemies of Albion.

There are two main factors in the decline in weight, the first of these being the elevation of less massive fighters.
The promotion of Lady Ragnhild in Year Ten (Draconian Calendar) into the Brotherhood of Knights caused the average weight of the Chivalry to decrease from 14 stones to a mere 13 stones and 3 pounds (and her efforts to grow appropriate facial hair have also failed).
The recent elevation of Rhodri of Flint, formerly squire to Sir Gunnar, at the Feast of the Byzantine Ambassadors has dropped the average weight of our knights to below 13 stones for the first time in the entire history of the Realm, and has also substantially failed to address the issue of the decline in facial hair.

The second factor in the decline in average weight of the Knights of Albion has been Sir Gunnar and Sir Andrew's new hobby of riding in the Pentlands accompanied by the Byzantine Ambassador, Halfdan the Brown. This has caused a significant reduction in their individual circumferences, although the blood curdling screams which ring out across the Realm as they hazard the steeper descents have been shown to exert a deterrent effect on potential invaders.
It is not clear whether this is a devious plot by the Byzantines (except insofar as everything is known to be a devious plot by the Byzantines, on the grounds that plotting deviously is what they do for fun).

A partial solution to crisis has been Sir Corwyn's brave efforts in personal girth enhancement. He has, by considerable sacrifice, risen from just above average to a weight which is twice that of the lightest Knight. He has also retained his facial hair and his widely renowned ability to retreat faster than anyone else in the Realm.

The important question is - how is this likely to affect the overall defensive capabilities of Albion?
A Spokesknight for the Order of the Scarlet Wyrm said "We feel that these newer, more streamlined Knights add to our defensive capabilities by being faster on their feet than the traditional, more heavily built styles. They augment the skirmishing capabilities of the Chivalry and add to the surprise factor. Sir Rhodri, in particularly, is a nippy little b***, and you never know where he'll pop up next. Personally, I think we should nail his feet to the floor at training sessions."
The Spokesknight also pointed out that the slimmer Knights have an advantage in presenting a smaller target to the enemy, particularly when they turn sideways.
In response to a question on the decline in facial hair among the Chivalry, the Spokesknight said "Do you get your beard get caught in the bevoir?" and fell to the floor, laughing uproariously.

(note - a bevoir is a piece of plate armour covering the neck and chin of a Knight. The word is pronounced "beaver")